My cousin has just died recently. She was a single mother to her 6 year old daughter Charlize. I was very close to my cousin in our youth though we drifted apart in our late teenage years and I hadn't seen or heard from her or Charlize in about 4 years until learning a month ago of her accident. When she first died it came up in her will that she wanted me to be the guardian of her daughter and I decided that I didn't want to care for her (as selfish as that may sound I had my reasons). Today Charlize’s grandfather contacted me and said that he could no longer care for her and if I didn’t take her he would be forced to put her in welfare’s care. Me and my partner have now decided to care for her. I have only recently had twin girls and find caring for them hard enough- I know Charlize will be a lot of work to care for and I will have to support her emotionally through this tough time- I'm just unsure of how to do that. She will arrive in the weekend and I need to be prepared in knowing how to support her. Has anyone cared for a grieving youth? Do you know what they need and how to support them? Do you think I should set her up in the twins room so she has someone around her or would a seperate room for herself be better. I was thinking of me being in a room with her and setting up two single beds so if she gets upset in the night I can comfort her but I don't know if she would like this! Also i was thinking of getting a counsellor for her?

I have looked up what grief is and how to help a child that is grieving but our situation is alot more diffucult as she is moving to a new part of the country, into a family that she doesn't know and most likely will not trust. She will be instantly inheriting two little sisters and a father (she has never had one and this is one of the million other things I am worried of how she will react to) and a new mother much different to hers. She will have to start a new school, make new friends and build new relationships with every single person in her life as everyone she has ever known will no longer be near her. This is one of the hardest things faor a human being to go through and her only a child I would like to ease as much of her pain as possible. Please, if anybody has any advice that might help her or a prayer for her.

In need and worried- Tahlia.

First of all I would like to say that I think it is a very brave decision you took to take Charlize in. I have no experience with such a situation but I believe the following:
All children need love and a feeling that they are safe. Give the child her own space but make it clear she can always come to you. Be open and honest. Don´t ignore a conversation about her mother (including her death but not only that) if the child wants to talk about it (in other words dont act as if she never existed or it never happend). But dont start about is yourself, the child might not want to talk about it. Just tell her once she can always come to you to talk about her mother, that you were very good friends when you were small like her. She will remember and talk when she needs to, just dont force her. Treat her as you would your own child, i.e. set out the rules, praise her when she does well, give her a cuddle, be stern when she misbehaves etc but don't expect to replace her mother. In time she might start seeing you that way, but maybe never, you cant force that. Find out a bit more about how her mother raised her until she died and try to respect the spirit of that education as much as you can as long as it does not go against your principles or common sense. Don´t be unsure: your cousin chose you because she thought you are the best person for her daughter, she trusted you and that's why she chose you to raise Charlize, so take confidence from that. And find out why the granddad cant take care of his granddaughter, is it because she is a very difficult child or is he incapable? Talk about which role he will play in the new situation, will he call her, visit her etc?Also I would take a family counsellor, because this will impact all of you, not only Charlize. I would not put her with the twins ( as I understand they are babies that probably wake up at night etc,). I would give her her own room and show her where you sleep and tell her she can come to you any time she feels the need. You might want to keep her door slightly open as well as yours so you can hear her and go to her is she cries when feeling lonely or after a bad dream. At the end , try to love her as much as you can and show her that by cuddles if she feels comfortable with that (might not in the beginning because you are a stranger to her)and be the rock she can hold on to when she feels insecure and lonely. Try and approach everything calm, secure, open and serene with care and love. Include your partner, share the burden but also the joy together knowing you will make the difference in Charlize her life if you are able to make her truly part of your family. Good luck to all of you.

I teach 6 year olds. I agree with the person above me. After the twins go to bed. Spend time with Charlize reading books. This 15 minutes or so a day will build a close relationship and she will feel she can talk to you. If you can have your partner watch the twins every other weekend. Tell her it is "girl's" day out. Take her to a park to play or have a picnic, to a movie,out for breakfast,to the library to get new books to read, a sport event, etc.
On the weekend you don't take her out for "girl's" day out, take the twins and Charlize for a walk in the neighborhood. Tell her that you are so happy she is with you and the twins have someone so special to look after them. Tell her she will be so much help. Let her develop a sisterly realtionship to the twins.
Even with trying to make her a part of your family she will still act out at times. It will be her way of expressing her anger and being upset over he mom's death. Tell her you will love her NO MATTER WHAT but that you are disappointed in the way she is acting. Let her know you are always there for her and to come to you at anytime to talk. As the lady before said discipline her as you would your own child. She will need a lot of structure in her life. A great book would be Babywise for your twins and there is a book by the same author for older age groups. There is one for 6 year olds but I can't think of the name of it. Look up Babywise at your library or on Amazon and it probably will show you the other titles available.
I want to personally thank you for being this child's angel. Children that experience these tragedies need lots of LOVE and STRUCTURE in their lives.

catvilu wrote:

QUOTE:
First of all I would like to say that I think it is a very brave decision you took to take Charlize in. I have no experience with such a situation but I believe the following:
All children need love and a feeling that they are safe. Give the child her own space but make it clear she can always come to you. Be open and honest. Don´t ignore a conversation about her mother (including her death but not only that) if the child wants to talk about it (in other words dont act as if she never existed or it never happend). But dont start about is yourself, the child might not want to talk about it. Just tell her once she can always come to you to talk about her mother, that you were very good friends when you were small like her. She will remember and talk when she needs to, just dont force her. Treat her as you would your own child, i.e. set out the rules, praise her when she does well, give her a cuddle, be stern when she misbehaves etc but don't expect to replace her mother. In time she might start seeing you that way, but maybe never, you cant force that. Find out a bit more about how her mother raised her until she died and try to respect the spirit of that education as much as you can as long as it does not go against your principles or common sense. Don´t be unsure: your cousin chose you because she thought you are the best person for her daughter, she trusted you and that's why she chose you to raise Charlize, so take confidence from that. And find out why the granddad cant take care of his granddaughter, is it because she is a very difficult child or is he incapable? Talk about which role he will play in the new situation, will he call her, visit her etc?Also I would take a family counsellor, because this will impact all of you, not only Charlize. I would not put her with the twins ( as I understand they are babies that probably wake up at night etc,). I would give her her own room and show her where you sleep and tell her she can come to you any time she feels the need. You might want to keep her door slightly open as well as yours so you can hear her and go to her is she cries when feeling lonely or after a bad dream. At the end , try to love her as much as you can and show her that by cuddles if she feels comfortable with that (might not in the beginning because you are a stranger to her)and be the rock she can hold on to when she feels insecure and lonely. Try and approach everything calm, secure, open and serene with care and love. Include your partner, share the burden but also the joy together knowing you will make the difference in Charlize her life if you are able to make her truly part of your family. Good luck to all of you.

I talked to her aunty last night (my cousins half sister) and have gotten info on the way she has been raised. The morals she wants instilled in her are much the same as the ones I will be teaching my girls so that will be fine. Charlize and her mum had a great tradition on New Year’s Eve that I will be making sure we adopt. I am worried of how she will react though, when I enforce what her mum would have enforced.

Charlize’s grandfather doesn’t seem to have much maternal instinct for his granddaughter. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember and is a bit of a jerk. I am trying to set up occasional weekend visits with him but I have a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that Charlize will not be seeing much of her family anymore .

My partner's sister in-law is a counsellor and she recommended her friend who we will get to see Charlize and advise us on how to come into this situation- we will be meeting on Thursday so that should be time to understand how to go about settling her in and treating her and we will be able to get the house ready.

Thank you so much

SLM wrote:

QUOTE:
I teach 6 year olds. I agree with the person above me. After the twins go to bed. Spend time with Charlize reading books. This 15 minutes or so a day will build a close relationship and she will feel she can talk to you. If you can have your partner watch the twins every other weekend. Tell her it is "girl's" day out. Take her to a park to play or have a picnic, to a movie,out for breakfast,to the library to get new books to read, a sport event, etc.
On the weekend you don't take her out for "girl's" day out, take the twins and Charlize for a walk in the neighborhood. Tell her that you are so happy she is with you and the twins have someone so special to look after them. Tell her she will be so much help. Let her develop a sisterly realtionship to the twins.
Even with trying to make her a part of your family she will still act out at times. It will be her way of expressing her anger and being upset over he mom's death. Tell her you will love her NO MATTER WHAT but that you are disappointed in the way she is acting. Let her know you are always there for her and to come to you at anytime to talk. As the lady before said discipline her as you would your own child. She will need a lot of structure in her life. A great book would be Babywise for your twins and there is a book by the same author for older age groups. There is one for 6 year olds but I can't think of the name of it. Look up Babywise at your library or on Amazon and it probably will show you the other titles available.
I want to personally thank you for being this child's angel. Children that experience these tragedies need lots of LOVE and STRUCTURE in their lives.

This is wonderful advice- thank you. I really like the idea of girl’s day out, I think on this day it will be her day and we will go and do something that she enjoys and she will get to pick it. Another thing I am worried about is that I want her to feel comfortable and I want to comfort her in doing things she enjoys such as going to the movies or rainbows end (little theme park) in the holidays or going shopping but I am really not a materialistic person-I shop in the op shops and am a bit of a hippy-I don’t spend money on things not needed but will invest in adventures such as holidays to make memories but not a car to drive in (I bus everywhere) so I would like to make sure that I don’t start spoiling her to make her feel better and then have her be materialistic and greedy in her life. I am worrying about everything and am feeling a little overwhelmed and panicky lol.