so im not sure what to do about this one. my older brother passed away in april 2004(the day i found out i was pregnant with my daughter). next year will be 5 years since. my son was born on what would have been mat's 25th birthday this july. his middle name is after my big brother, who was my best friend and my role model. i want my son to know about the amazing person mat was.

my problem is that mat was murdered very brutally by a very close friend(or so he thought). i obviously have very strong feelings about what happened, and we still have not found peace with what happened. i want my children to know all about him, but how do i tell them? i know that if i tell them, they will ask my parents about it, and they do not speak of it at all. it would kill my mom to speak of it.

so what do i do here. do i not tell them? do i tell them and risk poking at a wounded soul? it will be hard enough for me to tell them, but i dont want them to know about the way he died.

also what is an appropriate age to bring them to the grave site?or is it appropriate at all? i have not done it yet, they're still far too young. i go quite often, i bring flowers, i play a song that is quite emotional, (leaving flowers on your grave to show that i still care, black roses and hail mary's cant bring back whats taken from me. i reach to the sky, and call out yor name, and if i could trade, i would.) should i bring them at all, or should i keep this to myself? its eating me up inside, i dont know what to do.

hmmmm i think u should show them pictures of him and things like that and start telling stories around like school age when they can understand it and bring them to the grave site let them pick flowers to bring and things like that let them know what a great man he was and perhaps when the are in there teenage years you could tell them about how he died

oh boy, here i go with another of my life's stories:
In 1994 6 members of my family were killed in a car accident, they went head on into a city bus. 8 total were in the car. 2 little noys aged 3 yrs and another 5 months old survived.
My eldest child, my daughter was driving. her infant was the one who survived.The others were my 2 neices and their kids ages 5, 2 and one was not born yet, a baby boy still inside his Mommy.
I had to tell my little boy age 8 that they had died, which was not easy. I did not go into any details, I just told him the very basics. As for my Grandson he learned at age 6 years that he had a Mommy in Heaven. He is 14 now, he knows there were others in the car. he knows she hit a bus and he knows how blessed he is to be a survivor. He lives in a different state so he has never been to her grave.
The other survivir, my great-nephew is 17 now and his Mom and older sister died. he too was raised by his Dad and grew up knowing he had a Mommy in heaven.
My other grandchildren have been told by their mom that they have an Auntie Lisa in Heaven. That is all they know other than funny stories and nice things we tell them. They have not gotten to a point where they ask a whole lot of questions.
When my little boy did ask more, I told him that Sister had a bunch of hurts on her body and that God wanted her in heaven so she did not feel the hurts.he accepted that till he was older.
I know this is not the same as being murdered. but when they ask, you can say he was hurt. Many times that will be all they ask. If they ask more, you can say it hurts Grandma and grandpa to talk about it and to only talk to you. but hopefully they will not ask more till they are much older.
For now it is fine to mention him, have pictures out, etc. But don't volunteer things that will make them have questions.

I hope I helped a wee bit, and wasn't just rambling.

I have brought my kids to the graveyard after their great uncle, grandfather and Great grandmother passed away and we told them that we bring flowers to remind us of the people that are lost and that they have headstones so that they will be able to find their way home.

thanks suzieqzee that does help alot. the reason i asked is because my 3 year old snuck out of bed the other night and listened in on a conversation i was having with my sister about the upcoming trial (round 4), and some pretty intense things were said. she knows about death, when our cat died we had a little funeral for him. she knows the cat died because he was old, so she's been asking what happened to mat. i knew i couldnt come out and say what happened in graphic detail. i think thats what i will do, it seems the best way to explain it, that he had alot of hurts, and he needed to go to heaven so he wouldnt feel the hurts anymore. do i say someone else hurt him, or just that he got hurt. the person who killed him has been a lifelong friend, and is so horrendously guilty about what he's done, hes tried to take his own life several times because of what hes done. its a very awkward situation i find myself in. i dont visit him in prison or anything, but i dont want her to think he is a horrible bloodthirsty killer. thanks everyone for your input, any thoughts help.