You do not need to tell him that someone else did the hurting. There is no reason for years to come for your chidren to know he was murdered, much less by a friend.
There is a saying here....K.I.S.S. it stands for "Keep it simple, stupid". (Not calling you stupid!!) But we tend to go on and on and all the kids want is a short answer to tide them over for now.

thanks... i told her today that he had lots of hurts and needed to go to heaven, and that seems to be enough for her, hopefully for awhile.

While they are still small they only want small bits of info. wait untill they are older to give more info.
you will know when they are ready to handle more
My daughter then 9 went to my grandfathers funeral with me i discussed everything before hand so she knew what was going on and she decided she wanted to attend with me ( she is very mature for her age)

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I agree with the previous posts about not offering too many details. I think you have handled things just right for now with the explanation to your daughter.

As far as taking them to the grave site, that entirely depends on how it will affect you. You said you take flowers and have a song you play. Obviously if you take your children, you should not play the song. So, the question is, can you handle going and keeping it a light visit for your kids' sake? If that will be too difficult, then I would wait.

I would tell them childhood memories of you and your brother growing up. This will make him more real to them and will keep him alive in your memories. Show them pictures and just explain to them that grandma and grandpa miss him sooooo much that it hurts to bad to talk about him so they need to try not to talk about him around them because they don't want to make them sad.

My children are 8 & almost 10 and they have been through a funeral, my grandfather, he died of cancer 2 years ago, so they were 6 & almost 8 when it all happened. They had questions of course and they understand the whole issue of death and they were involved in the whole process of the visitations and funeral and graveside buriel. But the difference is, he came home from the hospital and we knew it wasn't going to be long, so we were over to his house every evening to visit. We all got to say our goodbyes and the girls saw how sick and fragile grandpa was. They know he is in heaven and is not sick anymore. The kids know where his grave is and comment now and then when we drive by the cemetary that that is where grandpa is buried. They have taken flowers there.

We did have another instance of where the kids' former daycare provider passed away (she took care of them from birth till about 5 & 7). We did not take them to the funeral home for that one. She changed alot after she stopped doing daycare and there were rumors that she had maybe taken her life and we did not want them to hear any such thing of that. We wanted them to remember her with the happy memories they had of the fun there. They still talk about her and the memories they have of being in daycare there. They have asked how she died and I truthfully told them I didn't know, because all I had heard were rumors and don't know for sure what is true and what's not. We made the decision to shelter our kids on that one though. Kids understand more than we give them credit for. Things just need to be kept simple.

i think i will wait to take them to the site. im not sure i could contain my own emotions and i certainly dont want to scare them.

In the september 2008 edition of family fun magazine, their is an article about a mom who created "a day with grampy" suitcase. She took an old suitcase that was her father's and added a luggage tag with her favorite picture of him and the title "a day with Grampy Rick". She took cardstock and cut it down to resemble large flash-cards. On each one she put a picture and wrote memories on the back. Some examples were "Making Grampy Rick's Spaghetti Sauce", "Tickle Tourture", and everything from swimming at their favorite hideaway on Cape Cod, to taking long walks together, some of his favorite recipies, family photos, handwritten stories, even objects like an old fishing lure.

She showed her kids the suitcase, let them look at the cards and explained the stories and memories behind each card. Then her kids each picked a couple of cards to accually do, things they would have done on a day with their Grampy Rick. They went fishing, fed chickens, and made carrot cake.

When her daughter asked why he liked to fish, she replied with a story of how he grew up in Maine near a whole bunch of streams. The kids ended up learning ALOT talking and learning about what Grampy Rick was like.

The kids love Grampy Rick, even if he is not here with them. And these kids were only like four years old, they realize that he's not there, but now they have stories and memories to share about their Grampy.